With babies come baby toys. I don’t like baby toys. They have invaded my living space in a way that nothing else has ever been able to accomplish – except, perhaps, laundry. These baby toys have staked claim to my domain, turning my living room into a minefield of unavoidable babyness. While I understand the importance of these toys in helping baby develop, I don’t like them, and here’s why.
1. They’re noisy. Way too noisy. They don’t ever shut up. They make weird dinging and rattling and animal noises, and even make a sound once they have been ignored for more than like 30 seconds. Seriously, what’s the point? Are we trying to teach the kid to be annoying if you’re being ignored? I understand babies need the sounds and music and all that, but could it just sound a little less obnoxious? Please?
2. They’re bulky. There is no way for your house to look clean when you have a baby, and mostly because of the gigantic, colorful plastic things that are in your living room since they won’t fit anywhere else. Good luck attempting to “put them away” – all that means now is shoving them off to the side as much as possible.
3. They break easily. Baby toys seem to fall apart insanely quickly. The designers and creators of these things need to understand that they will never be used only for their intended purpose. For example, if you think my daughter at almost 10 months is going to sit down and gently play the keys on that tiny piano, you are sadly mistaken. It has been banged on, thrown, dropped, and hit with any and all objects surrounding it, which I believe should be mistaken. We have had it for less than one month, and it is already broken.
4. They really hurt to step on. Blocks, cubes, and anything of the sort are just big enough to not be a choking hazard, but still small enough that they can end up inflicting very sharp pain into the bottom of your foot. I’m beginning to think I need to wear shoes in the house at all times.
5. They’re repetitive. The noises that these things make is forever ingrained in my mind. That terrible rendition of “Yankee Doodle”? I have it memorized. That fake monkey noise? It haunts my dreams. I know there isn’t a whole lot that can be done about this, but I am so excited for the day when all the noise makers go away.
Baby toys must be designed to inflict physical and emotional pain on the parents.